Under The Bed 2

I’ve been watching quite a number of bad horror movies lately (cuz we are subscribed to the Thrill channel on cable tv, a channel which plays horror movies or dramas all the time), and I thought maybe I can write them down somewhere so that in future if any of you sees it, you all can just proceed on to do anything else but watch them.

There’s actually quite a number of movies from China with titles that are very literal, and the below is one of them. There’s more to come as I’ll blog about them in time to come.

I believe most of the budget from this movie goes into making the poster, or at least I hope so, cuz if not I don’t know where did the money went. At least the poster can compensate for the total lack of …anything.

*This review is definitely going to contain spoilers. The point is to dissuade anybody from watching it, cuz I ended up very pissed off after watching it and thus, this.

u10638p28t3d4181016f326dt20140725114854

I realised there seems to be a pattern in the kind of horror movies China produced. There’s going to be a boobs person who’s always wearing low cut to show the boobs and a few other random people whose faces I can’t seem to recall, to be fair, I don’t remember the face of the boobs person as well. I guess, due to the great amount of silence that supposedly should lead to a scary moment, but ended up being repeated boring anti-climatic scenes, the boobs served to be a great consolation to some of the audiences. It’s something to distract people from focusing on how shitty the movie is, and somehow acts as a light lamp by the bedside to prevent you from sleeping, if you are bothered by it.

For people like me, I had my handphone.

Of course people would ask me, if it sucks so bad, why did you bother watching it to the end? To that, I’d say it’s a good question. Actually before halfway into the movie, I’ve already wanted to go back to my room and do anything else but watch this shit, but my mum retreated earlier than me and told me to tell her the storyline the next day. I was reluctant but weirdly held a strangely positive attitude that day, so I continued watching it. Now I know I shall probably spend that positivity somewhere else in future.

As already mentioned by Lynnette that there are no ghosts in horror movies made from China. I think I kind of heard that somewhere else previously as well, but probably just kind of thought I misheard until I’ve watched a few and again from Lynnette that I realised there aren’t. Not sure why don’t they just take out the entire genre, cuz if this is the case, doesn’t that just invalidate all the promotions that were done for the movie? Like if it’s being marketed as a horror movie, regardless of how well done the posters are, people already know that there’s not gonna be any ghosts in the movie. They might as well just make a poster with just the title on it, save the money.

I don’t even recall having seen a scene with the above poster in the entire movie. In fact, the whole storyline doesn’t seem to have anything to do with anything under the bed.

This whole movie takes place in a seemingly abandoned building, I think they should have just came to Changi Hospital to film the whole thing instead, it might be more interesting. That seemingly abandoned building is actually a dormitory for this bunch of people who are training to be doctors / nurses / whatever. Until now I’m still quite not sure if it’s cuz of the lack of details or my lack of interest in the show, I don’t understand how come there’s only 6 people staying in a frigging dormitory.

The ENTIRE building with only 6 people to stay in it. There’s newspapers, random cloth lying around on the floor in the corridor, and the windows at the corridors are not like glass panels, but more like those gaps located nearer to the top of the walls that are more commonly used in the toilets you see in your office toilets. With that, they have white curtains draped over the gaps, and since they couldn’t even afford a few rubber bands to tie the curtains up, everything in the corridor was left flying around. Tell me that place isn’t haunted. On what planet does that look like a dormitory, it’s like an exorcism waiting to take place and a girl is going to bent over backward and came running to the camera. Whats weirder is this building is built like in the middle of some forest. I don’t even recall seeing the hospital at all, like where were they supposed to study.

All I could remember from the entire movie was those newspaper and cloth lying around, the boobs, people running around frantically. Okay, maybe it’s my lack of interest.

Anyways, point is, mannequins started appearing randomly. There’s a lot of sudden suspense music, which usually leads to false alarm, then the next thing you know, somebody is missing (this kind of scene kept repeating). The closest thing that happens that’s related to a bed is that 2 mannequins appeared on a bed being tied together, back to back, with a stake pierced through the heart or something. Okay, maybe a knife, a stake is like used to kill a vampire or demon or a real monster. Actually I can’t remember what state the mannequins were in, honestly if anybody were to  ask me to guess a movie with a drawing of mannequins being tied together on a bed, I would have guessed 50 Shades of Grey. It’s more like a bondage / SM thing to me than a horror thing to me.

So everytime a person or 2 went missing from the 6 people, everybody would run around, trying to look for the missing people. Then there’d be a weird display of friendship between whoever’s left, like seriously people, can you all just get a grip. So after a while, one of the guys started to realise that if any 2 people were to show a deep friendship between them, they are likely the next targets to go missing – lamest deduction ever. This deduction is so lame I can’t even. Just imagine me rolling my eyes constantly as I’m trying to recall the scenes.

If I were in the movie, that’d be the last thing ever on my list to be the reason as to why people went missing. C’mon man, the building is in the middle of the forest, surely a tiger appearing randomly would pose a greater possibility. Hell, I’ll take it if a chicken came out to peck me and the bird flu kind of spread to me in that way and I died. This guy should probably watch more Kindaichi.

So, anyways, as the disaster of a movie continued, more people went missing and eventually ended up with I don’t even remember how many people. Maybe 1 or 2 or 3. Turns out there was a random psycho who looked like a total hobo – long caveman hair and wearing white gown – staying in this dormitory with them, and he was randomly kidnapping people who are seemingly good friends – well, turned out the guy’s guess previously was right, can you believe it? I can’t. If this is the kind of reason that I’m dying for, there IS going to be a horror movie made from me haunting this crazy hobo.

Anyways, the motivation behind that weird hobo’s action was that, in the past, he was a successful student who very nearly went on to become a star doctor but ended up betrayed by his friend who stole his research or something and took off. Unable to accept the betrayed, he turned psycho and started doing weird research to sew people together, reason being that a friend couldn’t betray you if he or she is sewed behind you. Sure, at that moment, the friend’s top priority will probably to stab him from the back instead of betraying from the back. Like who will still remember anything like betraying anybody else when you’re being sewed to a psycho’s back.

Yea, so basically that’s it. Turns out one of the guys which I have thought died or went MIA earlier on came back and managed to kill the psychotic hobo.

Yea whatever, thus marks the end of the entire bullshit. By the way, I think the ghost from the above poster probably just came to part time for the poster. Didn’t see it anywhere in the movie, and the psychotic hobo looked nothing like it.

Advertisements

One thought on “Under The Bed 2

  1. FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRSTTT

    and this sounds like a hilariously awful movie.
    one day we should all watch a bad movie together, like at somebodys house or summin, cos I think we’ll have a lot of fun shit-talking the movie.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s